A Professor was traveling by boat.

On his way he asked the sailor :

“Do you know Biology, Ecology, Zoology, Geography, physiology ?

The sailor said no to all his questions.

Professor : What the hell do you know on earth. You will die of illiteracy.

After a while the boat started sinking.

The Sailor asked the Professor, do you know swiminology & escapology from sharkology ?

The professor said no.

Sailor : “Well, sharkology & crocodilogy will eat your assology, headology & you will dieology because of your mouthology.

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband.

The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?'

Some women answered today, some yesterday, some didn't remember..

The women were then told to take their cell phones and send the following text to their respective husband: I love you, sweetheart.

Then the women were told to exchange phones and read the responding text messages.

Here are some of the replies:

1. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?

2. What now? Did you crash the car again?

3. I don't understand what you mean?

4. What did you do now? I won't forgive you this time!!!

5. ?!?

6. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

7. Am I dreaming? ???????

8. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, you will die today...!!!

9. I asked you not to drink anymore!!

and the best one

10. Who is this?

If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is equal to 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then 

H+A+R+D+W+O+R+K = 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

K+N+O+W+L+E+D+G+E = 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

L+O+V+E= 12+15+22+5= 54%

L+U+C+K = 12+21+3+11 =47%

None of them makes 100% Then what makes 100% ???

Is it Money? NO !!!

Leadership? NO !!!

Every problem has a solution, only if we perhaps change our

"ATTITUDE".

It is OUR ATTITUDE towards Life and Work that makes OUR Life 100% Successful..

A+T+T+I+T+U+D+E = 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

Teacher : Little Mr.Bean, assuming you were at a bus stop and Terrorist throws a bomb. What will you do ?

Little Mr.Bean : I will stop assuming…..

 

Teacher : What is a verb ?

Little Mr.Bean : A verb is a valve in a bicycle Tyre.

Teacher : What are You saying ?

Little Mr.Bean : Its a complete sentence sir.

Teacher : Are You mad ?

Little Mr.Bean : Its a question sir

Teacher : don't be ...stupid

Little Mr.Bean : Its an advice sir.

Teacher : stop that nonsense!

Little Mr.Bean : Its a command sir.

Teacher : You are an idiot

Little Mr.Bean : Its an insult sir.

Teacher : Get out of my class!

Little Mr.Bean : Its an order sir.

Teacher : Oh goodness!,,,, what a boy!,,,,

Little Mr.Bean : Its an exclamation sir.

Teacher : May God have mercy on You.

Little Mr.Bean : Its a prayer sir …..

the teacher fainted!!

NINE WORDS WOMEN USE... Very Funny.. Must Read..

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome'.. That will bring on a 'whatever').

(8) Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying...Go to Hell...

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

Smith just got a job as a porter in a five star hotel in Lords.

The manager told him: "...in here we give every customer personalized services and you have to be very observant. so you know how to address their every need even before they ask".

Before the manager could finish, a couple walked through the hotel entrance and the manager quickly approached them, nicely took their baggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs James, it is our delight to have you in our hotel.

Please come this way to the reception" ... and he led them to the reception.

After the couple had been taken care of, Smith asked the manager, "Has the couple been visiting this hotel before?"

"No" came the reply from the manager.

"So how come you knew their name?" asked Smith.

"That is why I told you to be very observant.

All I had to do was quickly look at the label on their baggage while I'm taking it from them and see the name on the tag".

"Oh, here comes another couple. Why don't you give it a try?"

"Ok" said Smith and he hurriedly approached the couple, helped them with their luggage and said, "Welcome Mr & Mrs MADE IN CHINA! We are delighted to have you in our hotel..."

John and Smith were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, John suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there.

Smith promptly jumped in to save him, she swam to the bottom and pulled John out.

When the medical doctor became aware of Smith's act, he immediately ordered his discharged as he now considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Smith the news, he said : Smith, i have a gud news and bad news, the good news is that you are being discharged, because, since you were able to jump in to a swimming pool and save the life of another patient, i think you have regain your senses. and the bad news is that, Smith, the patient you saved hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom, i am sorry he is dead.

Smith replied,, ,, he did not hang himself, i put him there to dry!,

Read it..Just Awesome..

Once choosing the color of a sketch pen was a tough task.

Occupying the window seat in the school bus was called obsession.

Getting a toffee as a birthday treat from a friend made our day.

Being the first one to finish copying from the blackboard was the ultimate moment of pride.

Hiding the answers from a bench partner during exams was not called selfishness.

When homework was the only torture & finished it soon, so could get some extra time to play.

Early to bed, early to rise was life's mantra, but how we loved sleeping late and having some extra TV time!

Owning a cycle was like owning everything.

To look good was only to wear our favorite dress frocks for girls n half pants for boys.

We didn't need Facebook or a phone to keep in touch!

We thought all elders are ideal, when Daddy was the only hero and Mom was the only Best friend."

So what they say is right.

"Everybody dies twice. Once when their childhood ends."

One day, Two Friends walking in a bush and Chat about future.

Suddenly, they saw a lion in front of him.

They knelt down for prayers, 

so that GOD would deliver him.

When they open their eyes,  they saw the lion also kneeling down for prayers.

One Friend asked "Mr lion what are you doing ?"

The lion replied "Shut up! Don't you pray before you Eat your food?"

A man buys a lie detector robot which slaps people who lie.

He decides 2 test it at dinner.

Dad : Son, where were you today during school hours ?

Son : At School. Robot slaps son! Ok, I lied, I went to the movies.

Dad : Which one ?

Son : Toy Story. Robot slaps son again! Ok, it was po** movie.

Dad : What ?! When I was your age, I never watched such films....Robot slaps Dad!

Mom : Ha ha! After all he's your son.

Robot slaps mom!!

Total silence..!!

SHARE if u get it

Mr John once hurt his arm when playing tennis.

His friend told him of this new machine at Barnet General Hospital that could diagnose any problem in a human and prescribe an appropriate remedy.

All it needed was a small sample of body fluid.

Mr John, skeptical, went to test it out.

He put in some of his blood in the small container he was given and put it in the machine.

The results came out instantaneously and said,

“You have a tennis arm. Rub with ointment and soak in warm water daily.”

He was genuinely impressed.

But, he thought he could trick the machine and confuse it.

He went home and mixed up different things.

He put in his dog’s urine, his daughter’s spit, a bit of his wife’s blood (He told her it was just a test) and finally his semen.

He went back to the machine the next day and put in the mixture he’d made.

The machine was quiet for a while.

Just as Mr John thought he’d won, the results came out.

“Your dog has fleas. Get a veterinary. Your daughter is taking heroin. Get her a counselor. Your wife is pregnant. And the baby’s not yours. Get a lawyer. Stop masturbating or your tennis arm won’t heal.”

He’s still on admission in at the same Barnet General Hospital after a heart attack.

A guy in a hurry used the ladies 'toilet in a posh hotel'..

He sat down and noticed four buttons - WW, WA, PP & APR.

Curious, he pressed WW & his butt was gently sprayed with WARM WATER, he loved it so much!

He then pressed WA & a blast of WARM AIR dried him up.

Still loving it, He pressed PP & a POWDER PUFF to make him smell fresh.

Feeling pampered, he decided to press the last button APR.

He later woke up in a hospital.

A nurse smiled & said to him, Sir, APR means AUTOMATIC PAD REMOVER. When the machine couldn't find a pad on you, it went for your balls.

Your balls are in the jar over there!

A teacher asked a little girl: What your DAD do?

Girl replied: He works in a chocolate factory and brings lots of chocolate for me..

In the evening he works in an ice-cream parlor and I eat my favorite flavor…

He also works in a toys shop and brings me soft and cuddly teddy sometime.

He is also a teacher because he helps me in my homework.

He is very strong & hard worker..

He works from morning to evening and never get tired.

And

When he is back to home, he is always ready to play with me.

Note: Kids don’t value what we do to earn the money. They give value to what we do to earn their love…

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“ Thundering’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

Two men at a bus stop started a conversation. One of them keeps complaining of family problems.

Finally, the other man says, "You think you have family problems?" Listen to my situation..

''A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married.

Later, my dad married my stepdaughter.

That made my stepdaughter my step-mom and my dad became my stepson-in-law.

Also my wife became mom-in-law to her dad-in-law.

Then my wife's daughter, my step-mom, had a son.

This boy was my half-brother 'cause he was my dad's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson.

That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

This was nothing until my wife and I had a son.

Now, the half-sister of my son, my step-mom, is also the grand-mom.

My dad is the bro-in-law of my child, who is the stepbrother of my dad's wife! AND 

YOU THINK YOU HAVE FAMILY PROBLEMS?"

the other guy fainted...

James Bond was at a bar chatting up a beautiful woman. The woman notices Bond keeps looking at his watch.

"Are you running late?" she asks.

Bond replies, "No. This is a special watch that communicates with me telepathically."

"Oh really? What is it telling you?" the woman asks.

Bond replies, "It says you're not wearing any undergarments."

The woman laughs: "Ha! Your watch is broken Mr. Bond. For your information I AM wearing undergarments."

Bond smirks and taps the watch: "Bloody thing's an hour fast."

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor ask an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around garden, The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall, In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel, the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel...

She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?'

She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world do I do all day?...

''Yes," was his incredulous reply..

She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

One morning at a doctor's office a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain.

The doctor examines him and asks him -"OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club, right? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. 

On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. 

I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. 

As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. 

I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That’s how I strained my back."

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. 

The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. 

What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. 

Today was the first day at my new job. 

I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. 

I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the sametime, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two Patients do.. The doctor is shocked.  Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge and some one threw it from the 3rd floor"......

A little boy was doing his maths homework & saying:

2+5, the son of a bitch is 7

 

3+6, the son of a bitch is 9. . .

His Mom: What are you doing?

Boy: I'm doing maths homework

Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?

Boy: Yes

Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day-

 

'What are you teaching my son in maths?'

Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.

Mom: you teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bitch is 4?

Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, The Sum of Which is 4 !

wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. 

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. 

While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled,

So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. 

She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. 

She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. 

Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now. 

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

This teenager lived alone with his father, and the two of them had a very special relationship. Even though the son was always on the bench, his father was always in the stands cheering. He never missed a game.This young man was still the smallest of the class when he entered high school. But his father continued to encourage him but also made it very clear that he did not have to play football if he didn't want to. But the young man loved football and decided to hang in there. 

He was determined to try his best at every practice, and perhaps he'd get to play when he became a senior. All through high school he never missed a practice nor a game,but remained a bench warmer all four years.

His faithful father was always in the stands, always with words of encouragement for him. When the young man went to college, he decided to try out for the football team as a "walk-on." Everyone was sure he could never make the cut, but he did. The coach admitted that he kept him on the roste because he always puts his heart and soul into every practice, and at the same time, provided the other members with the spirit and hustle they badly needed.

The news that he had survived the cut thrilled him so much that he rushed to the nearest phone and called his father. His father shared his excitement and was sent season tickets for all the college games.

This persistent young athlete never missed practice during his four years at college, but he never got to play in the game.It was the end of his senior football season, and as he trotted onto the practice field shortly before the big play off game, the coach met him with a telegram.

The young man read the telegram and he became deathly silent. Swallowing hard, he mumbled to the coach, "My father died this morning. Is it all right if I miss practice today?" The coach put his arm gently around his shoulder and said, "Take the rest of the week off, son. And don't even plan to come back to the game on Saturday.

Saturday arrived, and the game was not going well. In the third quarter, when the team was ten points behind, a silent young man quietly slipped into the empty locker room and put on his football gear. As he ran onto the sidelines, the coach and his players were astounded to see their faithful teammate back so soon.

"Coach, please let me play. I've just got to play today," said the young man. The coach pretended not to hear him. There was no way he wanted his worst player in this close playoff game. But the young man persisted, and finally feeling sorry for the kid, the coach gave in. "All right," he said."You can go in."

Before long, the coach, the players and everyone in the stands could not believe their eyes. This little unknown, who had never played before was doing everything right. The opposing team could not stop him. He ran, he passed, blocked and tackled like a star. His team began to triumph. The score was soon tied. In the closing seconds of the game, this kid intercepted a pass and ran all the way for the winning touchdown.

The fans broke loose. His teammates hoisted him onto their shoulders. Such cheering you've never heard! Finally, after the stands had emptied and the team had showered and left the locker room, the coach noticed that the young man was sitting quietly in the corner all alone. The coach came to him and said, "Kid, I can't believe it. 

You were fantastic! Tell me what got into you? How did you do it?" He looked at the coach, with tears in his eyes, and said, "Well, you knew my dad died, but did you know that my dad was blind?" The young man swallowed hard and forced a smile, "Dad came to all my games, but today was the first time he could see me play, and I wanted to show him I could do it!"

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